too many reasons to feel shitty right now. my throat hurts not going out tonight
well i dont mind the not going out thing. yeah i know it sounds like sour grapes but its not. im just not in the mood to ask for favours. did that already and it didnt turn out too kosher. thats my sign to stay my ass at home.
sometimes i wonder if i can do anything right.... like everything i touch breaks.
i think im just feeling sorry for myself so off to bed.
Doing The Right Thing I think "right" is less about what society thinks and more about "do unto others as you would have them...." Unfortunately Ive always had a problem with double standards and its been more of a "do as I say and not as i do" situation. But recently Ive been trying to put myself in the other person's situation and do to them only what i wouldn't mind being done to me. Im really trying to be good. I believe in karma....
WOW Gosh... this guy just keeps surprising/ impressing me. wow. It's like I dont have to tone anything down, or change anything.... I can be who I am and it's ok. This is such a foreign feeling... Im still in awe... and Im loving it.
Im so cynical. I know I've said this so many times in the past few months but it's rearing its ugly head in my conversations and my relationships. I've reached the point where I dont believe a word any guy says to me. It's like I've heard this all before and with the same sincerity. It's preventing me from doing things i really want to do. I wonder if it will ever go away. If i will believe it when a guy tells me Im special or Im loved or this can work. I think maybe time will heal me.
Time To Go The atmosphere is quickly deteriorating. The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I need to see my little sis (well one of two things;) It seems like Im tolerable only in small doses. Or maybe I can only tolerate people in 2 month doses. I need to go back to my dinky lil room in Trickybad where I rule supreme...Psyche Goddess of The Soul. Away from all these things and people that make me feel inadequate and more fcuked up than i really am. Where I can be as untidy as I please and spend as much time on the phone as I like without feeling like a failure.
anyways enough for the night.
some things in life are just soooo unfortunate. But that's just life isnt it?
tired of the charade, let me off this ride.... wish things were different
Ive been an angel all vacation. It is soooo BORING! I feel to go do something drastic like cutting off all my hair or something equally as dumb. But I wont. this anxiety will pass i guess.
and all that was left to show for my pleasure was an empty Magnum wrapper
today I had a Double Caramel Magnum Icecream Bar. Talk about heaven... The first bite into all that dark chocolate was sinful (a double layer dammit!!). And although I should have; I felt no guilt for my indulgence. And the excess caramel... Just thinking about it as me yearning for more... Im definitely lacking some sweetness in my diet;)
Admiring More Stallions we examined more horses today. i really enjoyed it... They're such beautiful creatures.
Back to work. Im working with this vet and its pretty cool but id much rather be somewhere else getting my experience.... we went down to the race track today and i realise i love horses. it was definitely welcome run my hands over a big dark stallion ... so many muscles rippling and oh so smooth.... such power.... hehe i need to stop!
ive never ridden a horse. i think thats the next thing on my Things To Do List
When my moods get "enhanced" all my emotions are amplified. So if im a little happy I become elated and if im a little sad I become devastated. So that was me today.... elated but also devastated... but the flam came to my rescue like a knight in shining armour. I guess everything happens for a reason. ANYWAYS
my revelling wish came true...and it surpassed all my expectations. and whats more... THE PINKSLIP JUMPED WID ME!!!!! what a great day! i had a better time this year than last year.